Downward Spiral
by jadefirefly3D
Summary: It's a well-known fact that Raphael has a short fuse, but lately his temper is out of control. In a fit of rage he accidentally does the unthinkable and the aftermath tests them all. The bonds of brotherhood are broken and nothing will ever be the same. 2012 'verse.
1. Chapter 1

A/N Ever have a story just play out so perfectly in your mind, so vivid so complete that if you didn't get it written like _right now _you would go completely insane? Well, that's what happened right here and this is the result. I've been writing like a demon for the past four hours to get this on the page. The only thing that I didn't expect was the length. At first I was like, "OK, this will be a dandy one shot!" but 5000 words later and not even at the halfway point I realize that this won't work as a one shot. Then I was like, "I'll wait until it's actually finished to post it" but I'm impatient and would love to hear some feedback, see if it's worth the writing frenzy I was on today. I've got three chapters written so far, and I'm itching to get the rest typed ASAP, and well, all you awesome peeps feed the already hungry muse!

Thanks for clicking on my story! And thanks to everyone who has read/reviewed/favorite/followed my other stories too! Next chapter of "Mikey's Saving Grace" will be up soon, either tomorrow or the next day!

This story is set in the 2012 'verse, but some time in the near future, playing on the assumption that the season 1 finale will end in such a way that would have a huge emotional impact on the turtles. I allude to the mysterious yet-to-be-seen finale, but I will not go into any details simply because I don't know the details yet of course and if I'm way off base, then it's open to be left to the imagination.

Also, don't let the relative humor of the chapter fool you, I'm trying to stay true to the show, but this will be a pretty dark story.

Wow! Sorry for the long winded authors note! Anyway, without further ado, enjoy!

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**Chapter One**

It was a well-known fact that Raphael had a short fuse. On a bad day, it didn't take much to set him off, especially lately. His short temper quickly earned him the reputation as the hothead of the family at a very young age, and while it sometimes gave him an edge in battle, ultimately it was one of those weaknesses that when left unchecked could lead to potential disaster for him and for those around him.

They all had their share of weaknesses that, try as he may, Master Splinter struggled to help his sons overcome and transform into strengths. There was Leo's arrogance, Raphael's temper, Donatello and his tendency to overthink and overcomplicate matters, and Michelangelo who was so easily distracted and unfocused. But lately, it was Raphael's temper that was becoming a huge problem. The slightest thing would set him off and it was like walking on eggshells with him.

No one knew exactly what his problem was, though its correlation with the return of Dr. Prankenstein certainly shed some light, but not enough to fully explain it. The source of Raph's mood clearly went much deeper than mere irritation over Mikey's pranks, and while everyone was concerned, no one knew exactly how to approach him or how to help.

Of course everyone had their own problems to deal with than to worry too much about Raph. They had been through a lot over the last year or so, and everyone had their own way of dealing with things. No one was exactly in a healthy mindset. Leo devoted most of his time and energy into training, obsessed with perfecting his craft and leadership skills to always be prepared for anything. Donnie immersed himself in project after project, and while most of his inventions and whatnot proved useful, he didn't really allow himself much time for eating and sleeping or interacting with his brothers outside training or patrolling.

Then there was Raph, who thrived during the times they would go out for patrol. Letting his anger out on crazed mutants, or Purple Dragons or Foot Ninja's always proved to be cathartic, at least for a little while. When he was in a mood, he liked to break things, so it was common knowledge that it was best to just leave him be and let him sort through his anger on his own.

Unfortunately, Mikey's way of dealing with anger and pain was to be a pain in the ass. At least that was how Raph would describe it. Mikey liked to mask pain with laughter until it no longer hurt, so after a brief creative dryspell, Dr. Prankestein was back with a vengeance, which only tested _everyone's_ temper. While Raph, Leo and Donnie sought solitude to work through their darkest emotions, the extroverted turtle needed the company of his brothers and friends. And his antics clashed big time with his hotheaded brother.

"_Mikey! _ You little shit!"

Raphael's voice echoed through the lair and Leo cringed. He vaguely wondered what Mikey did this time, and shook his head at the thought of what kind of lecture or punishment was in store for Raph for using foul language in the lair. However he ignored it and continued to work through his kata, striking the practice dummy with his katanas with grace and agility and control, not even stopping to acknowledge the sudden burst of air as Mikey ran past him, howling in laughter, Raph right on his heels.

He could hear the thump of two bodies hitting the floor and could mentally see the picture behind him. Raph obviously caught up with Mickey and tackled him roughly onto the couch and then the floor. He heard the sound of flesh hitting flesh and Mikey yelling though his laughter, "OW! OK, OK! Uncle! Uncle! Ow-ow-owww!"

His cries were cut off with a strangled yelp, and Leo's eyes twitched at the choking sounds his little brother was making. _Breathe in, breathe out…_ Leo coached himself, trying to focus on his kata, and not his distracting brothers.

"What the _hell_ were you thinking you little…"

"Man…" Mikey choked, "you should s-see your face right now! Aaack!"

_And this is the part where Raph obviously tightened his chokehold…_ Leo thought, and then frowned at himself and tried once again to focus. He continued to work his way through the moves Splinter taught him, seeing no need to intervene. Raph wouldn't hurt him too bad, and Mikey probably had it coming. _Still haven't forgiven you for putting my hand in warm water while I was sleeping…_he thought with mild bitterness, feeling a slight flush in his cheeks.

Raph started to say a few more choice words to their youngest brother when suddenly Master Splinter's voice filled the room and Leo stopped his training immediately to twirl around to attention. And promptly bit his cheek to keep from laughing.

"Raphael!" Splinter chided, "Let Michelangelo go this instant!"

Mikey collapsed to the floor, propping himself up by his elbows as he gasped for breath and coughed, but he was still clearly amused and Leo could now see why.

Somehow Raph's bandana which he had gripped tightly in his fist was pink. _Pink_!

"Explain yourself!" Splinter demanded.

"Look what Mikey did, Sensei!" Raph waving his pink mask around furiously, "The little shi—_stinker_ washed it in bleach and turned it pink!"

"Michelangelo, is this true?"

"Hai Sensei," he gasped, still coughing and wheezing from the chokehold and Leo could see he was also biting his cheek to stifle his laughter, even as he winced in discomfort, massaging his throat. Only Mikey could show regret, amusement and pain with one look.

Master Splinter closed his eyes and sighed deeply. That long, weary sigh that spoke volumes, as if to say, "_What am I going to do with you?"_

It was the sigh that prompted Leo to sober up and get serious. He glared at his younger siblings and shook his head disapprovingly and Raph returned the glare.

"And, Leonardo, you're the leader, where were you during all this?" Splinter asked him.

_That_ managed to wipe the self-righteous expression off his face and Leo caught Raph's satisfied smirk as he lowered his eyes, "I'm sorry Sensei, I was practicing my katas and did not realize what happened."

Their sensei sighed again, this time his ear twitched and everyone could plainly see that he was practicing a great deal of self-control. He was about to say something, only able to get out the first syllable of Michelangelo's name when Donnie emerged from his lab, loudly bursting into the common room with a triumphant smile on his face completely oblivious to what was going on.

"Guys! Guess what? I did it! I was finally able to…" his voice trailed off when he realized he had just walked in on a tense moment. And he swallowed hard when it dawned on him that not only did he make an awkward fool of himself, he inadvertently interrupted Sensei who was clearly angry about something…he guessed it had to do with the pink mask in Raph's hand. He bit his cheek to keep from snickering. "Um," he chuckled nervously, "If anyone needs me I'll be in my lab." Donnie bowed his head in respect and ducked back into his sanctuary.

A heavy silence filled the lair for a tense moment as Splinter gave that _sigh_ again, twitched his ear and lifted his right brow. Finally he spoke, "As I was saying, Michelangelo, you will fix or replace Raphael's mask. To tamper with his mask like that is a sign of great disrespect and you will apologize to Raphael this instant."

All humor was gone from Mikey's face as he lowered his eyes and said sincerely, "Sorry Raph. I was only joking, I didn't mean to show any real disrespect, I didn't realize...I didn't think that…" he sighed, "I didn't think. I'll fix it. I promise."

Raph huffed at him, his eyes twitching with anger. But he nodded, tossing his mask to his little brother and folded his arms in a huff.

"As your punishment, you are forbidden to play any video games or watch any TV for two weeks, and you are to practice your katas for an extra hour every day this week. Leonardo, you will help him train."

"Hai Sensei."

"Raphael, you need to learn to control your temper," Splinter said, "the hold you had on Michelangelo could have hurt him badly."

"Hai Sensei," Raph sighed, "but with all due respect, you know I would never hurt Mikey or any of my brothers."

"Then clearly you did not see what I saw," Splinter revealed, shaking his head. Raph and Leo both glanced at Mikey and Leo heard Raph audibly gasp at the sight of faint bruising forming around Mikey's neck. "As punishment, you will practice meditation with me an extra hour each day this week. Your temper is out of control, and I fear that one day the consequences will be dire. I will do what I can to help you overcome it."

"Hai Sensei."

"And for your…colorful language," Splinter said with a twinkle in his eye, "I think one bite of the soap should do it."

Raph's eyes widened in horror, while Leo tried to hide his amusement, "Seriously? Aren't I a little old for washing my mouth with soap?"

Splinter shot him a look of warning and Raph bowed his head, "Hai Sensei," he said in defeat, glaring daggers at Mikey who grinned.

With a satisfied look Splinter retreated back to his room, trusting his sons to honor the punishments given to them. Mostly because dishonoring their punishments would only make things worse if they got caught.

After a moment Mikey snickered, "Man, I got off easy! I can't believe you have to wash your mouth out with soap!"

Glaring dangerously at Mikey, who gleefully blew a raspberry at him, Raph growled through clenched teeth, "I'm. Going. To. Kill. You."

He didn't mean it of course, but little did he know how prophetic those words could potentially turn out to be.

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A/N Don't worry Donnie fans! He'll be featured more prominently in future chapters. Thanks for reading! Feedback, whether good or bad would be awesome!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed the first chapter! I'm sorry I haven't gotten around to thanking you all personally but it really meant a lot! I've been having a rough time lately so it really helped brighten my day!

My chapters for this story will generally be shorter than usual because I'm going to try (keyword: try) to update every day or two so therefore this chapter is actually the first half of what was meant to be a much longer chapter (so if it seems rushed/choppy/abrupt that might be why). If you guys would rather the chapters be longer, let me know and I'll see what I can do! This is kind of an experiment for me because, like Donnie, I tend to over think and aiming for shorter chapters and more frequent (daily, hopefully) updates might help with that. But like I said in chapter one, this story came to me so completely and my muse has been screaming at me to get it written ASAP so I think I'll be able to pull it off despite the fact the next few weeks are going to be very busy for me. We'll see if I can keep up the momentum... (fingers crossed) Updates for my other stories will be up soon!

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**Chapter Two**

Donnie sighed as he followed his brothers across the rooftops as they patrolled the city the following day. Raph was in a scary mood and for once he was really hoping that they might get ambushed or something, just so Raph could have an outlet for his rage. Even with his brand new red bandana (Mikey was unable to fix it and get the color back the way it was) he clearly hadn't forgiven Mikey yet. Mikey, the lovable idiot seemed completely oblivious to the fact that Raph was still holding a grudge, but Donnie saw no reason to point it out. He too was a recent victim of Dr. Prankenstein and was still trying to get rid of the rotten egg smell in his lab.

"You OK Donnie?" Leo asked, noticing him lagging behind.

"Yeah," he nodded, picking up the pace, realizing he was getting lost in his thoughts.

The truth was, there was a heavy tension looming in the air and he hated it. They all felt it, but no one really knew what to do about it. They had all been through a lot and he knew they were all dealing with it in their own way, but he wished that the others could look at themselves through his eyes.

The close knit brotherhood they had was slowly tearing apart at the seams. Leo was so obsessed with perfection it was driving everyone crazy, he was no longer satisfied with just perfecting his own moves, but he was also making everyone else practice, practice, practice. Raph was just plain getting scary, like a pressure cooker about to explode, and the unusually quiet streets of New York didn't help. He seemed to have it under control, but sooner or later something was going to set him off, and Donnie pitied the fool who would dare get caught in the crossfire.

_Now would be a great time to get ambushed by Foot Ninjas, or discover some robbery in progress before Raph snaps and does something he regrets…_ he thought.

Donnie had to admit that he was no better off. He was getting lost in his projects again, distancing himself from everyone, shutting himself out. But it served as a nice distraction, and at least he was being productive and not running around in circles like Leo, or driving everyone nuts like Mikey.

Mikey was acting like nothing was out of the ordinary, like nothing happened, like the tension didn't exist, but Donnie suspected that Mikey was overcompensating, going overboard with the pranks in hopes of distracting himself with whatever pain he was dealing with. And knowing Mikey, whose pranks had been getting out of hand lately as much as Raph's temper, Donnie knew that he was really only trying to make everyone feel better and happy. Maybe it was because Donnie could see the good intentions behind the pranks that kept him from wanting to throttle him.

"OK Donnie, seriously you need a shower, you reek dude!" Raph griped as they stopped to take a quick break on one of the rooftops.

Donnie sniffed at his shoulder and nearly gagged at the rotten egg smell, _OK, so maybe I'm going a little too easy on him. The little twerp…maybe a _little_ throttling is in order…_

Mikey glanced at Donnie and laughed cheerfully. Not even the death glare from Donnie could dampen his mirth, "Oh man, your face! Priceless!"

"Shhh!" Leo hissed, leaning over the edge of the rooftop as though listening to something. They stopped in hushed silence for a moment, listening to the quiet of the night. Finally he shook his head and waved it off as nothing and Mikey resumed his laughter.

"You just don't get it, do you Mikey?" Donnie narrowed his eyes at his brother, then shook his head and walked to the opposite corner of the roof.

"Aw come on Donnie!" Mikey whined, following him, "You gotta admit that whole prank was genius and a little funny. Just a little?" he flashed his most adorable smile and puppy dog eyes and held his middle finger and thumb an inch apart, "Just a little bit?" Donnie clearly wasn't amused and Mikey sighed dejectedly, "The smell should wear off within a day or two at most."

Donnie's eye twitched, "A _day_ or two?"

"At most?"

"OK Mikey, seriously," Leo warned, "your pranking has gotten outta hand."

"Y' got that right!" Raph snapped.

"Aw, come on, it's not that bad!" Mikey protested lightly.

"My bandana was _pink_!" Raph hissed.

Mikey held up a finger and backed up a step, just out of punching range, "OK, I'll admit that one went too far, but I got you a new one!"

"No one appreciates your stupid pranks, Mikey!" Raph fumed, "They're not even funny! They're stupid, immature and you're driving everyone crazy! Don't you get it? You're such an idiot!"

Donnie was about to add his two cents, but he saw something shift in Mikey's eyes as his face fell. The jovial front that Mikey wore was gone. _Maybe I was right after all, maybe the pranks are because he's hurting too…we're all dealing with things are own way…_

"I just want to make you laugh," Mikey frowned. "You guys are all so serious all the time, doing your own thing. No one really talks to each other anymore, or hangs out anymore. It's driving me ratty."

"I think the word you want is 'batty'," Donnie corrected him, "and your pranks _are_ driving us up the wall."

"It's gotta stop, Mikey," Leo added with an air of authority. Raph growled in agreement, murder in his eyes.

"But…" Mikey looked a little like a kicked puppy and even though Donnie was angry too, he really wanted to take pity on him. Then he caught a whiff of the rotten egg smell and he changed his mind about stepping in to Mikey's defense.

"Your stupid pranks got me in trouble, yesterday!" Raph reminded him with a dangerous edge to his voice, "How is _that_ supposed to make me laugh?"

"I…I'm sorry," Mikey said softly. Then his eyes hardened, "You know, you wouldn't have gotten in trouble if you didn't lose your temper like you did!" he motioned to the bruises on his neck, "I mean, dude! What the hell? You coulda choked me to death!"

Raph backed up a step, his eyes fixed on the bruises and Donnie could see plain as day the internal conflict within them. Donnie watched him clench and unclench his fists and he had to admit that Mikey had a point. Everyone knew that Raph didn't mean to hurt Mikey, but the fact was that Raph did almost cross a line. Donnie noticed a shadow cross Leo's face as his eyes flashed with guilt. Donnie wasn't there, but Leo had confessed that he did nothing to stop it when he should have. He had been trying so hard to ignore their fight that he didn't even realize how hard Raph's chokehold was. No one, not even Mikey realized how far Raph had gone until Splinter pointed it out.

Leo turned to Raph and quietly spoke, "Mikey's pranks aren't the only thing that's out of control."

Donnie watched as Raph closed his eyes with shame, but then he clenched his teeth and glared at Leo, his body moving into a defensive stance, "Really? Now you're turning on me? That's not fair, Leo! Everyone knows that I would never…god you're all acting like no one's ever accidentally left a mark before!" he whirled towards Mikey, "And you're over exaggerating, I had it under control, I wouldn't ever let it go too far! Besides, you deserved it! You're such an idiot if you'd think for one second that…"

"Well excuse me for trying to lighten the mood around here!" Mikey hissed. "Maybe my pranks did go a little too far, and I'm _sorry_! But ever since…" he sighed, biting his lip before continuing, "it's been such a drag lately. I can't stand the tension anymore and I'm afraid that we're drifting apart. So yeah, I'm sorry for pissing you all off with my pranks, but at least I'm _trying_! I miss…." He paused, as though trying to find the right word, "I miss _us._"

"What are you talking about?" Leo asked in exasperation.

"_Us_!" he repeated in frustration, "We used to have fun! We used to hang out and play games and whatever, but now you're so damn _focused_ on your training, Leo, and Donnie, you're always busy in your lab working on _something_ that I hardly see you anymore, and Raph, you're always brooding around the lair all emo-like, that no one wants to approach you lest they piss you off… I'm sick of it."

_OK,_ Donnie thought,_ he's not completely oblivious after all. He sees it too. I was right, he really did have good intentions._

Mikey glared at them one by one and Donnie shrank under his gaze. Mikey was usually slow to anger, especially when it was directed at his brothers, but on the rare occasions he dropped his goofiness to display any raw emotion that he might be hiding underneath, he could be scary. "I'm outta here," he huffed, dropping a smoke bomb and disappearing.

"Mikey wait!" Leo called out apologetically, but there was no answer.

"Mikey!" Donnie echoed.

Raph however was unphased. He folded his arms and shrugged indifferently, "I don't care what he was trying to do, the idiot should've known better."

"Yeah but he's got a point, Raph," Donnie murmured.

Raphael sniffed at Donnie, "Seriously. Take a shower. You stink."

Once again Donnie took a whiff and gagged. Raph merely chuckled, as Leo sighed and told them that maybe it was time they head home.

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A/N Once again thanks for reading and extra thank you to those who reviewed! Keep them coming! Good or bad I love to hear what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N Well, so much for momentum. Sorry this is late but real life gets in the way of daily updates as it turns out. Well, I tried. Still, if I can't do daily updates, every other day should be OK, right?

A little gripe with this site. What is up with fanfiction net defaulting the order of the characters? While this story features all four turtles somewhat equally, this is Raphael's story first and foremost and I listed him first for that reason but it defaults to the order they're listed now. Anyone know how to fix that because I've noticed some stories have the characters listed in a different order. I mean, it's not a huge deal, but it's kinda annoying.

Thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed, a special shout-out to BubblyShell22 and Jaddis who have been faithful reviewers to all my stories so far. You have no idea how much I appreciate the feedback! Reviews are definitely great motivators! Sorry for not thanking you all personally, but know that I think you guys are all so awesome! Also thank you to those who have favorite/followed this, even though you might not leave a comment, it's nice to know that people are enjoying this (though a review would be lovely!-no pressure though!). I hope you all will keep coming back and see this through to the end!

Anyway, enough with the long-windedness! Here's the next chapter, enjoy!

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**Chapter Three**

They arrived home to see Mikey sulking on the couch. The common area was quiet and for a moment Donnie was surprised that he wasn't watching any TV or playing any video games, but then he remembered Leo telling him that Mikey was grounded from that stuff for two weeks. The fact that that detail slipped his mind only told Donnie that he really needed to get out of the lab once in a while. Still he would've thought that Mikey would at least have a comic book or something to entertain himself.

"I'm done with the pranks," Mikey said without looking up, his voice flat.

"You'd better be you little twerp," Raph grumbled and Leo shushed him. Raph shot him a look as if to say, "_What?_"

"Yeah," he sighed, "I've been thinking and you're right. I went a little overboard and I'm sorry. I won't let it happen again. Forgive me?" He turned to look at them hopefully.

Donnie nodded with a sigh, while Raph's expression went blank, his eyes hard and cold. It wasn't that Raph didn't forgive him, because Donnie knew that despite his temper, he always came around eventually, but Donnie guessed that either Raph wasn't quite ready yet, or he was doubting Mikey's sincerity. Mikey shrank under his gaze and looked away, turning his back to them, shoulders slouched.

"That's good Mikey, although…" Leo hesitated before continuing, "it's OK to prank once in a while…but just don't go too far. Maybe if you ask yourself if the victim of your intended prank would find it funny before you acted on it, then it would have the results you're looking for."

Raph rolled his eyes, "Such sage advice _Sensei_," he snorted mockingly.

Donnie watched Mikey flinch and then he turned around to face them, grinning at Raph, "Oh-ho! No you di'n't!" he sassed, snapping his fingers, but Donnie could see the humor was forced. When no one seemed to be even slightly amused, his face fell again and he turned away.

Leo chose to ignore them, "Look, if you promise to back off on the pranks, then we promise to start doing more stuff together like we used to besides training and patrolling. In fact, I'll ask Master Splinter if he'll lift your TV ban for tonight and maybe the four of us could watch a movie or something?"

Raph gaped at Leo incredulously, clearly not happy with Leo for speaking for him when it was obvious that he was still angry at Mikey for getting him in trouble after the pink bandana incident. But Donnie, wanting to keep the peace as badly as Mikey and Leo did, put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a pleading look. Raph sighed and nodded with the roll of his eyes.

"Really?" Mikey asked, brightening. Leo nodded and Mikey dove off the couch and gave him a huge hug, then reached and pulled Donnie and a reluctant Raph into the hug. Donnie caught the faint trace of a smile on his hotheaded brother's lips and Donnie grinned, hoping that maybe he was finally starting to come around.

"It'll be nice for us to do something together that's actually fun," Leo shrugged.

"That would be like, the awesomest!" Mikey exclaimed happily. Donnie couldn't help but chuckle, finding Mikey's enthusiasm contagious.

_We need this_, Donnie mused.

"OK, I'll go talk to Master Splinter," Leo said, pulling away from a group hug.

"You guys are the coolest!" Mikey beamed. "And as a peace offering, I'll even let you pick the movie Raph!"

Raphael's eyes widened in surprise and Donnie was relieved when he accepted the olive branch with a grin, an actual grin, and Donnie realised it had been a while since he saw a genuine smile on his brother's face, "Really? You sure guys?" he glanced at the three of them to make sure they were all on board with that idea.

Leo shrugged, "Sure, why not?" and Donnie nodded.

"All right, I know just the movie," Raph said, "I'll be right back!" he started for his room as Leo headed to talk to Master Splinter.

Mikey laughed happily, "This is awesome!" he turned to Donnie, "You guys are the best bros a dude can ask for!"

"I'm glad you think so," Donnie smiled. He put a hand on Mikey's shoulder, "Things will get better you know, we just have to give it a bit of time."

"Yeah," Mikey agreed softly. Then he sniffed, "Dude, you really do need a shower. You stink."

Donnie's smile vanished. He was about to say something when Raph suddenly let out a scream from his room that echoed through the lair.

"_MIKEY_! You're a dead turtle! Y' hear me?! _Dead_!"

Donnie twirled to face Mikey who's eyes widened in horror as realization suddenly set in, "Mikey, what did you do?"

"Oh crap," he went pale, shaking his head in disbelief, "crap, crap, crap! I forgot! I swear I forgot!"

Raph stormed into the common room, fists clenched, eyes filled with pure fury. He marched right up to Mikey without hesitation and pulled his fist back to strike as Mikey cowered away from him with a yelp, preparing himself for the blow. Leo suddenly stepped in out of nowhere and stopped him, grabbing Raph's wrist and stepping between them, pushing Raph back.

"LET ME AT HIM LEO!" Raph hissed in rage as Leo physically held him back. Donnie stood in front of Mikey and held his bo out to prevent Raph from getting any closer. This was the angriest Donnie had seen him in a long time. It was scary.

"What did you do Mikey?" Leo demanded.

"I…I forgot! Honest!"

"Yeah right!" Raph snapped, still trying to force his way past Leo. "That why you told me I could pick out the movie? So I could go into my room?"

"Mikey?" Donnie glanced behind him.

Mikey continued to cower away from Raph, despite Donnie and Leo's efforts to keep Raph away from him.

"The little shi—_moron_, rigged the door to spill fake spiders on my head!" even in his rage he visibly shuddered, "He even had a fake web on the door and everything!"

"Is this true, Mikey?" Leo's voice was hard.

"Yes," he replied, but was quick to add in his defense, "but I did that long before we went on patrol, before I promised to stop! Honest!"

"Bullsh—you little liar!" Raph practically screamed, trying so hard not to swear and curse. He broke free of Leo's grasp to launch himself at Mikey, dodging Donnie's bo staff on the way. Mikey yelped and covered his head with his arms, but Donnie caught him before he could make contact with his brother. Donnie grasped one arm while Leo latched onto the other, but even with both their efforts, keeping Raph from literally tearing into Mikey was a challenge. "I should've known! I should've known your whole promise to give up the pranking was a lie! Probably just another one of your stupid pranks, the nastiest one of all! Just to set me up for…"

"That's not true!" Mikey cried, "I…"

"I _trusted_ you!" Raph spat furiously, "You made me think this fu-friggin' nonsense was _over_! That things might actually start changing for the better and then you pull _this_! You made me look like a _fucking_ FOOL!"

Mikey flinched at that, and he cried out, his voice breaking, "I'm sorry, Raph! I'm so _sorry_!"

"Oh you're gonna be sorry!" Raph warned, "When I get my hands on you…"

"Raph!" Leo yelled, "Calm down!"

"I _HATE_ you, Mikey!"

"Raph…_please_! I didn't mean it!"

"Seriously, Raph stop!" Leo commanded.

But Raph was too lost in his fury to stop struggling, even as Master Splinter entered the room, gasping in surprise.

"What is going on here? STOP THIS INSTANT!" he demanded. And at once everyone was quiet. "What happened?"

Raph still struggled to break free of Leo and Donnie, though his attempts were half-hearted now. He still glared seethingly at Mikey who peeked up at him through his fingers, looking genuinely scared and miserable. "Ask Mikey!" Raph hissed, venom in his voice.

"Raphael, to the dojo," Splinter said, "do what you need to do to control your temper and calm down. I'll speak with you once you've let off some steam."

"Hai Sensei," Raph growled angrily, not taking his glare off Mikey. He shook out of Leo and Donnie's grip and grabbed his sais, twirling them in his hands before storming off into the dojo.

Splinter whirled on the other three, "What is the meaning of this? Explain yourselves!"

Donnie could see Mikey's eyes were glistening with unshed tears that Mikey was stubbornly refusing to let fall, "I…I…it's my fault Sensei…I'm sorry," he shakily rose to his feet. He quickly swiped at his eyes, swallowed hard and bowed, "I'm sorry, um… excuse me…I'm sorry..." he said absently before running off.

Splinter sighed, letting him go. "I will talk to him later. Clearly he needs to cool off as well. Now you two, explain. What happened?"

Donnie and Leo exchanged glances and told him everything that happened that night.

Splinter listened to the story and gave that deep and weary sigh, "I am going to meditate on this matter. I expect you and your brothers in the dojo first thing tomorrow morning. Six o'clock sharp. Clearly this matter runs much deeper than temper tantrums and pranks, and it involves all of you. Tomorrow we are going to discuss and deal with this issue before it gets even more out of hand. I expect you will tell your brothers about this once they've calmed down."

"Hai Sensei," Leo and Donnie nodded in unison.

They turned their heads towards the dojo where they could hear Raph yelling and thrashing.

"You're dead meat, Mikey!" he yelled, and Donnie and Leo both flinched at the sound of something crashing to the floor. "You hear me? Dead!"

Splinter sighed again, shaking his head. He muttered something about grey hairs and retreated to his room, ignoring the violent sounds coming from the dojo.

* * *

A/N Was Raph overreacting? I think so, but then again he's not in a very healthy headspace at the moment. None of them are.

The action should pick up real soon! Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think, good or bad! I'd really like to know what works/doesn't work and whatnot!


	4. Chapter 4

A/N Man I hope I don't regret posting this later. I struggled with this chapter, a _lot _and I'm still not sure about it, but in my rush to get this up (missed my deadline again-oops! I may be in over my head! LOL) I decided to stop overthinking and just post it before it gets another rewrite! Hope you enjoy! Thanks for reading and thanks again to my lovely reviewers!

Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Four**

Mikey paced in his room, stubbornly willing himself not to cry. It was his own fault that Raph was angry, but he really did only want to make them laugh. Leo was right though, he didn't think about how his pranks would affect his brothers and maybe to them they weren't all that funny. He crossed a line, whether he meant to or not, he definitely crossed a line. He had never seen Raph so angry before, except when it was directed at Shredder or Kraang or anyone who dared threaten his brothers—especially Mikey.

His heart ached at the thought. Sure, he pissed Raph off before, on a daily basis it seemed, but not like that. Never before did Raph look at _him_ like he was the enemy. It was scary and it hurt to think about.

"I'm going to make it right," he said out loud. "I'm going to make us be a family again even if it kills me!"

It didn't feel much like a family anymore, they had been through so much and it changed them all. Leo was obsessing, Donnie was a reclusive ghost, and Raph was a ticking time bomb. He only wanted to help; he couldn't stand it when his brothers were suffering. He was hurting too and he was only trying to hold on to the way things used to be before everything changed. He dreaded the thought of them drifting apart when ultimately, despite the small circle of friends they've made in the past year, they only had each other.

He only hoped that Donnie was right, that things would get better over time. But Mikey wasn't exactly known for his patience.

_I'll fix this…_

With a sigh he left his room and headed for Raph's room. He knew Raph wasn't in there, because he could still hear him yelling in the dojo but he wanted to clear his room of the fake but realistic looking spiders and web before Raph returned. It was the least he could do.

He opened the door and stepped in, immediately walking into the fine, barely visible web that made even his skin crawl even though he knew it wasn't real and spiders never bothered him all that much in the first place. He grabbed at the web and rolled the thin silky strings into a ball. The spiders were all on the floor, except for one last one that fell on his head and got in his shell. He squirmed to retrieve it and gathered it and all the other ones into his hand, dumping them in the trash.

"There," he said in satisfaction. He started to leave and then realized that maybe he should empty Raph's trashcan before Raph returned and saw them in there. He didn't want to risk angering him again.

Ridding Raph's room of the offending prank helped him feel better and reminded him of the water balloon launcher he had rigged up in Leo's room that was designed to go off when the door was opened. He opened the door and dodged the balloon he knew was aimed for his face and it splashed on the floor. _Note to self, get a mop…_ he looked at the device he rigged and sighed, _Man, Donnie would've been so proud that I made this and it worked so awseomely!_

He took the contraption and put it in his room deciding that he'd save it for another time. One day things would get better and his brothers would be more open to the idea of getting pranked, like they used to. He remembered a time when his pranks would seemingly tick them off, but he would catch the playful amusement in their eyes when they retaliated and they used to always laugh about it later.

_I guess now's not the time…_he sighed. _I hope that someday soon we'll get back to the way things used to be…I miss those times._

He quickly mopped the floor of the remains of the wasted water balloon and headed back into the common room and immediately let out a dejected sigh.

_I really screwed things up…_

Leo was practicing his katas again. The only sound was that of his breath as he went into each stance, his moves graceful and precise, his focus so intense that he didn't even seem to realize that Mikey was there. Donnie was nowhere to be seen, and Mikey figured he was in his lab again, probably inventing something to get rid of the foul smell.

He could hear Raph in the dojo, still going at it. He wasn't screaming at Mikey specifically anymore, which he figured was a good sign, but he could hear random crashes and he was yelling incoherently.

Everyone had slipped quickly back into their usual routine they developed over the past few months.

Mikey forced himself to smile and determined to make things right with Raph, he headed for the dojo.

"I wouldn't go in there if I were you," Leo warned, not looking up, not showing any signs of stopping his kata.

_OK so he noticed me after all…_

"I'm going to make things right," Mikey announced.

"Don't you think maybe it would be better if you waited until he calmed down?"

"Maybe, but I hate it when he's like this," Mikey sighed. "And it's all my fault. I have to fix it. I honestly forgot about the spiders. I really didn't mean to set him off like that."

Leo took a deep breath and stopped, lowering his katanas to turn and look at him, "I know you didn't mean it. And it's not _all_ your fault. Sure, you didn't help but Raph…I guess he just finally reached his breaking point."

"I'm so…stupid. I should've known that…I only wanted to help make things better, but I only made things worse."

"Mikey," Leo sighed, sheathing his katanas and approaching his younger brother to place a comforting hand on his shoulder, "Don't beat yourself up over this, OK? I'm sure deep down Raph isn't even all that mad at you. Deep down, I think he knows you only meant to make us laugh. It didn't work, and you did manage to cross a line or two, but your heart was in the right place. That's what matters. Once he's calmed down he'll see it too."

"He said he hates me."

"You know he didn't mean it," Leo assured him.

"Yeah but…" Mikey turned towards the dojo, his shoulders slouched in sadness, "I can't believe he's still going at it."

"This was a long time coming," Leo shrugged, "I think he needs this."

Mikey nodded, breathing a long, crestfallen sigh.

"As much as he's lost his temper lately," Leo continued, giving Mikey's shoulder a reassuring squeeze, "I think there was still a lot of pent up aggression bottled up that he held on to until he couldn't handle it anymore. He's just gotta let it all out in his own way."

"And then he'll feel better?"

"Hopefully," Leo replied, letting him go to resume his katas. He reached behind him for his katanas but stopped when Mikey spoke again.

"What about you?"

"What about me?" Leo asked in confusion.

"Don't you need to…let it all out?"

"I'm fine," Leo shrugged in denial.

"Sure you are, and so is Raph and Donnie and I'm just awesome!" Mikey gave him a pointed look, "If you're fine, then why don't you stop practicing your katas and I dunno, watch an episode of _Space Heroes_. It should be on right now."

"I know," Leo replied nonchalantly, "so?"

Mikey frowned, "This only proves my point. You used to hate it when you missed an episode…"

"Yeah well I've seen them all like a million times," Leo shrugged again.

"Seriously dude, you need to relax," Mikey added, "Raph and I aren't the only ones with bad habits that are out of control. You don't need to train 24/7 you know."

"There's nothing wrong with perfecting your skills," Leo huffed.

"There is when you let it consume you!"

"OK who are you and what did you do to Mikey?"

Mikey let out a soft huff of laughter, catching the irony. But he could be serious when he wanted to be, everyone seemed to forget that. And when his brothers were hurting, when his family was drifting apart, that was a serious matter. His attempt to lighten the atmosphere through his pranks failed, but he couldn't just stand around and do nothing. He gave Leo a little shrug and headed towards the dojo.

"You're not seriously still going in there?" Leo scoffed incredulously, listening to Raph's yells.

"I have to make this right," Mikey replied in a matter of fact tone.

Leo rolled his eyes, baffled at Mikey's naivety. Raph was in the middle of some crazy temper fueled breakdown, and Mikey decided that was the time to what? Hug it out? "For what it's worth, Master Splinter wants us in the dojo tomorrow morning at six, so we can discuss this. Why not wait until then to make things right?"

"Because, I can't go to bed knowing Raph hates me…"

"He doesn't…"

"I need him to know that I'm sorry, and that I'm there for him whenever he needs me," Mikey continued, not letting Leo get another word in, "That goes for you and Donnie by the way. You're my bros, the best bros a guy can ask for, I screwed up on a chance for things to get better tonight and I'm not going to wait until morning to make it right."

"You know how Raph gets when he..." he grunted in frustration, "Only an idiot would interrupt Raph when he's blowing off some serious aggression," Leo quipped.

Mikey flashed him a half-hearted grin, "Yeah well, that's me right? The idiot of the family?"

Leo gave an exasperated sigh and unsheathed his katanas, annoyed by the self-depreciating statement Mikey gave but not having the energy to amend it. After all, it was kind of true in _some_ aspects, though Leo knew that Mikey was smarter than they gave him credit for. It was his own fault for choosing to be a goofball all the time. It made it hard to take him seriously, even when he was displaying bouts of wisdom like he had just then and earlier on the rooftop. Leo was training excessively, but in all honesty, he had his own aggression to deal with and training helped him find his balance. Besides, there was nothing wrong with wanting to perfect his craft. At least he had his head on straight and had everything in his own mind under control.

A crash from inside the dojo caused Mikey and Leo to both flinch, it sounded like Raph knocked over the weapons rack.

"Well, don't come crying to me when Raph decides to beat the snot outta you," Leo shrugged, shifting his feet to find his center.

"It'll be fine," Mikey waved him off, though Leo heard the uncertainty in his voice, "in fact it sounds like Raph is starting to calm down. I'll keep my distance and soon he'll know this was all just a big misunderstanding."

Leo rolled his eyes and focused his attention on the practice dummy,"Fine, it's your funeral." And with that warning he moved back into his katas, not bothering to watch as Mikey hesitantly headed for the dojo.

Focusing on his breathing to help his movements he changed stances effortlessly, quickly losing himself in his katas. But soon he heard a desperate cry coming from the dojo. For a split second he assumed it was Mikey, and thought smugly, _Can't say I didn't warn..._ but then he realized that the anguished sound didn't come from Mikey, it belonged to Raph.

* * *

A/N Well, I hope it's not complete crap (I'm not happy with how it turned out to be honest but I just _had_ to challenge myself to a tight deadline. Might tweak it later if need be.). Well, if it's crap or if it by some miracle actually worked, please let me know what you think! The part you've been waiting for is coming real soon!


	5. Chapter 5

A/N Enough of the foreshadowing and dilly-dallying, here it is, the chapter you've been waiting for! And so sorry to keep you waiting too! Real life loves to get in the way sometimes. Right now I'm working two jobs and I've been coming home way too exhausted to write though fortunately one of those jobs is temporary (I'm working at a local festival so it's only a 10 day gig). Someday I'll write a best selling novel to rival JK Rowling's successful series, (yeah right, but a girl can dream) and then I won't have to worry about work, but until then...yeah... Hopefully next week I'll be able to get back to more frequent updates.

Thanks again to my lovely reviewers! Virtual hugs all around! And all you followers/favoriters/readers...hugs to you too! Your support keeps me motivated!

Well, without further ado...enjoy! (and don't hate me! LOL:P)

* * *

**Chapter Five**

Raphael moved with a fierceness that would've made his enemies tremble if they were there. At first his movements had no rhyme or reason, just random strikes and slashes at the air, or any inanimate object that got in his way. However, even blinded by rage he knew enough to stay clear of Master Splinter's shrine for his past, the tapestries and the tree that impossibly grew in the middle of the floor. Those were sacred to Sensei, and messing with those would probably spell his doom.

But everything else was fair game.

He destroyed three practice dummies and one of his old wooden practice sais that he used as a kid, before his head began to clear enough to apply semi-rational thought to his anger. And after cursing Mikey's name too many times to count, he realized that Mikey and his stupid pranks wasn't the issue. It never was. It was a simple truth that eluded him every time Raph unexpectedly found himself in a fit of rage yet returned with shocking clarity in the eye of the storm.

If he had to be honest with himself, Raph didn't know why exactly he was so angry all the time. He always had a temper, even when he was little. It was no secret and in the past it didn't bother him because nobody's perfect after all and sometimes it proved beneficial when he needed to get his point across.

Lately though…he knew as much as everyone that it was spiraling out of control—he didn't need everyone reminding him every five minutes. He was perfectly aware of that huge character flaw and he hated it. He used to have a good handle on his temper, he used to know how to keep it in check and pull back before it could go too far, but not lately. If he had to be honest with himself, it was starting to scare him.

He let out an angered yell as he slashed at the air in front of him, as though delivering a deadly strike to an invisible enemy. The enemy this time wasn't Mikey's stupid prank, but it was the bruises on Mikey's neck, the way Leo and Donnie physically held him back, the look in Mikey's eyes when he tried to pummel him without mercy. That look alone reached deep into his soul, and shook him deep in his core. The terror of what kind of person he was becoming however was too much to process, so it only served to fuel his already burning rage.

_Who is that guy_? He thought angrily, because when he went after Mikey like that, it was as though he was someone else entirely, as though another entity had taken over and he could do nothing but watch as his body moved against his will, lashing out to strike at his idiot brother. And yet that terrifying entity _was _ him, it was a side of himself that had always been there, a seed that had begun to sprout and was now taking root, no longer satisfied with being confined by his own self-control.

He let out a deep yell and knocked down the only ruined practice dummy that was still standing, jumping in the air into a well-placed roundhouse kick that sent it flying across the dojo. His aim wasn't perfect or precise like Leo's always tended to be, but it was powerful and effective. It felt good, it gave him clarity.

Taking a few deep, calming breaths he realized he finally found his rhythm.

_Maybe I need this_, he thought, _whatever this anger is that's building up inside me, maybe I just got to let it all out._

Raphael and Master Splinter disagreed about how to deal with his temper. While Splinter suggested meditation, Raph always found breaking things to be more effective, even if it was only temporary. Earlier that day as part of his punishment for losing his temper yesterday Sensei made him meditate for an hour on all the things that made Raph angry. Indeed they had been through a lot, and the way Raph saw it, there was a lot to be angry about. But mediation didn't help the rage that dwelled deep inside him to go away, it only brought everything that he tried to supress up to the surface.

Maybe that was why he finally snapped. He was certain that he would feel embarrassed about 'hulking out' the way he did later on after he'd calm down, which was a thought that only made him angrier. But even in the moment of picking up the destroyed practice dummies, only to slash at them and inflict even more damage, he was aware of how cathartic the action was.

Stomping around he picked up the training dummies again, setting them up as a sort of training course. He pulled out his punching bag and strategically placed it on the floor amongst the dummies and moved into his katas.

His movements were fuelled by rage, not thought. He didn't care about getting the stances or motions right, instead relied solely on instinct and muscle memory to guide him.

In his own mind he wasn't in the dojo having the biggest temper tantrum ever, he was on their favorite rooftop in New York, battling all the things that pissed him off. Every strike, every slash, punch or kick wasn't aimed at the equipment in the dojo, but his own inner demons.

The targets were Mikey's stupid pranks, they were Leo's arrogance and know-it-all attitude that was driving him crazy, and Donnie's reclusiveness, hell, they were his own temper run rampant. He struck out at the Shredder, Karai, the Kraang, the fact that they had more enemies than friends, that they were forced to live in hiding, that all the work they've done in protecting the city from Purple Dragons, Foot Ninja, Crazed Mutants and an Alien Invasion was all for nothing because at the end of the day, most people would only see them as the enemy, so what was the point? What was it all for?

He closed his eyes, having finally found his center. He envisioned everything that ever made him mad, each strike, each yell a form of release. He kicked hard at one of the dummies, sending it crashing into the weapons rack. All the weapons fell to the floor with a deafening clatter that had him flinch and strike out blindly at his punching bag, and he could hear the fabric tear as his sai made contact and heard the beads spill to the floor but he ignored it, not caring about the damage he was inflicting.

He moved without thought, instinct and muscle memory driving his movements, caring more about power, strength and release over precision. He lashed out as though an army of Foot were ambushing him, and in his mind's eye he was there on the rooftop, fighting for his life, fighting for control of his own deeply rooted anger.

Damn, it felt good!

"Um, hey Raph…?"

The small voice that meekly interrupted his inner battle didn't even register with him as he instinctively reacted to the sound, perceiving it as another one of his demons that he needed to confront.

It wasn't until he twirled around and his sai left his hand to fly across the room that he was even aware of what he actually heard. The sai whipped through the air and his eyes snapped open at the sound of his weapon hitting its target with a soft, startled grunt.

Suddenly Raph's eyes locked with Mikey's and he took a few deep breaths as he tried to process what Mikey was doing there all of a sudden, and why Mikey was looking at him the way he was. His blue eyes were wide, startled and spoke of shock and betrayal. Mikey's mouth opened and closed once and his startled gaze moved downward and Raph's own gaze moved with it to see what he was looking at.

His other sai dropped to the ground with a metallic clatter that seemed to echo in the deep silence that fell over the dojo as Raph realized what he was seeing, what had just happened, what he had done.

It was as though time suddenly stopped and Raph couldn't move. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think, he couldn't believe that the sight before him was real. It couldn't be real.

_No, no, no…this isn't happening, this isn't real! I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming…this can't be real!_

Mikey's hands shook as they wrapped around the hilt of Raph's sai, imbedded deep in his chest. Parallel streaks of blood started to form thin lines from the shorter prongs of his sai and down his plastron. He regarded it as though he couldn't believe it either as his shaky fingers uncurled from the weapon and he stared for a second at the blood on his hands. His eyes lifted to lock with Raph's disbelieving gaze and he fell to his knees as though in slow motion.

His mouth moved as if to speak but no sound came out until he tried again, choking out Raph's name while blood trickled from his mouth. His eyes fluttered and he began to tip forward.

Suddenly time started up again and Raph found his voice, "No!" he cried out launching himself towards his brother, sliding down in front of him to catch him by the shoulders. Mikey's head lolled forward, his forehead resting on Raph's shoulder and Raph held him for a moment. "No, no, no…" he chanted in denial, pressing his cheek into the top of Mikey's head as he held him closer, pulling him into a tight hug, mindful of the weapon protruding from his chest, "Mikey…I'm so sorry, oh god, I'm so, so sorry…."

_Oh god, what have I done?_

Mikey tried to speak but only choked as more blood bubbled from his throat to spill from his mouth. Raph gently turned him over and lowered him until he was lying in Raph's lap, his head resting in the crook of his elbow and Mikey stared at him, his mouth moving soundlessly as he reached again for the hilt of the sai.

A low guttural cry escaped Raph's lips as he grasped Mikey's hand, keeping him from pulling the weapon out. "No, this…this can't be happening…Mikey…" Raph's eyes began to burn with the sting of tears and his soul screamed out in agony, producing an inhuman sound of despair from deep in his throat.

Gasping for breath, Mikey's eyes began to flutter and he seemed to get heavier in Raph's lap.

"No, no…stay with me Mikey, don't do this…stay with me…" Raph begged and he could tell Mikey was trying. "You're going to be all right, OK? Listen to me, you're going to be OK! Donnie'll patch you up and you'll be fine, y'hear? Just gotta stay with me…"

A strange gurgling sound escaped Mikey's throat as he tried to respond, but only more blood splattered from his mouth.

"_HELP!_" Raph screamed desperately.

Mikey's eyes rolled and his face twisted in pain, and he let out a shaky gasp before his eyes closed and he went limp in Raph's arms.

"Mikey no, don't you do this….stay with me, Mikey!" Raph shook him gently but there was no response.

"MIKEY!"

* * *

A/N (runs for cover and hides) Don't hate me!

This didn't turn out quite as I envisioned it, but there you go.

Please leave a review! Good or bad (but don't hate me!)

Next chapter will be up hopefully in the next couple of days. And just so you know, while I don't want to spoil anything, I am a firm believer in certain fanfiction etiquette so if there were any warnings to be had, you would've seen them by now.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N Holy Guacamole! The response to the last chapter was overwhelmingly awesome! I was completely blown away by the feedback, you have no idea how happy you guys make me! Thank you so much! I'm so sorry to take so long to update, especially after such a nasty cliffhanger. Real life has kept me busy and has left me exhausted both physically and mentally so I had a difficult time finding the time and energy to write this chapter. Hopefully now that things are starting to settle down I'll be able to go back to more frequent updates. Honestly I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to try and update once every day or two, I only found myself in over my head. I don't think I'll be able to keep up that momentum anymore, but I'll try to keep them coming as fast as I can.

Well, without further ado, here's the next chapter! Enjoy!

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**Chapter Six**

At first Leo was reluctant to go into the dojo at the sound of Raph's cry for help, telling himself that he and Mikey could deal with their own problems. The two fought—OK so Mikey felt Raph's wrath—all too often lately and he was tired of intervening. But that thought immediately left him when it finally registered in his mind that something was seriously wrong and not just because it was normally Mikey who would call for help.

He never heard such a sound from Raph before, and it took a moment for him to recognise the sound as one of despair. As the realization hit him he started for the dojo, just as Raph cried out again. He burst through the door and stopped dead in his tracks at the sight.

Leo didn't know what he had expected to find, but he _never_ in a million years would've thought that he would ever see the sight that was before him. For a second he froze, trying to process the sight of his brothers on the floor. Raph on his knees, Mikey lying in his lap. It was so far from what he expected that he couldn't make sense of it all at once and instead took in the details as separate pieces of a puzzle.

Raph looked up at him, his eyes full of tears as he cradled Mikey in his lap. Leo couldn't remember the last time he saw Raph cry, if ever, and yet his green eyes were extra bright as they met Leo's, and Leo was taken aback by the pure agony in them as he let his tears fall to leave wet trails down his face. And Mikey…Mikey was far too still in his arms, and far too pale. Mikey was never still.

Leo's eyes caught the sight of crimson, and a flash of silver and he could've sworn that Raph's sai was sticking out of Mikey's chest, but that…that was impossible, it had to be an optical illusion or something…or they teamed up to play the cruelest prank ever. That had to be it. It was all a prank.

But it couldn't be a prank…there was no way Raph was ever a good enough actor to display such raw despair in his eyes, and Mikey was never able to contain his laughter for long… But if it wasn't a prank then…

"What happened?" Leo asked, his throat suddenly dry as the katanas he still had in his hands dropped to the floor with a clang. His knees felt weak and the room was spinning.

"Leo," he breathed, his voice steady but raw with emotion, "I… it was an accident I…I didn't…d-didn't mean it…I-I didn't realize he was there…I…god I am _so_ sorry!"

Leo stumbled back a step as he watched Raph choke out a sob, pulling Mikey's limp body closer to him. He barely recognized the sound of his own voice as he took another step back and called for Donnie and Master Splinter.

He breathed heavily as his mind caught up with his sight and the puzzle pieces fit together. Accident or not, it didn't make a difference. It didn't change the fact that Raph did this. The evidence was crystal clear. Mikey was unconscious, hurt, possibly dead or dying…_No, no he's going to be OK…he's _not _dead, he's _not! _He's going to be OK…_ and Raph did this to him with his own weapon.

"What the hell's the matter with you!" he screamed as he lunged towards his brothers, sliding down beside them and reaching for Mikey's prone body, taking him from Raph's arms as though to protect him from further harm. To protect him from Raph.

Raph didn't put up a fight, he surrendered Mikey to Leo without question and once Mikey was safe in Leo's arms, Leo lashed out at Raph who scooted away from them weakly, pulling his knees to his chest as he stared at his hands, still in a state of shock as he allowed his tears to freely fall.

"I didn't mean it!" he sobbed, "It was a-an accident! Oh god I'm so s-sorry!"

Leo didn't listen, he didn't care what Raph had to say. Nothing Raph could say or do would possibly make it any better. He focused all his attention on Mikey and called for Donnie and Sensei once again. Placing shaky fingers on Mikey's neck he felt that there was a pulse, but it was fast and weak. He pulled Mikey closer to him, his head and limbs lolled with the movement like a ragdoll's and Leo realized that he wasn't breathing.

"Mikey!" Leo shook him, mirroring the motion Raph made just moments before Leo came in. There was no response.

At that moment Donnie came in and froze. Leo looked up at him and watched his brown eyes dart back and forth from Leo, to Mikey, to the sai in his chest, he let out a soft gasp and his eyes darted sharply towards Raph. Raph buried his face in his hands and Donnie looked back at Mikey, his expression hard to read yet full of emotion. He stood there for what felt like a long time but was in reality only a second before he turned and rushed out the door again, brushing past Master Splinter as he came to see what was going on.

Master Splinter didn't even look Raph's way, he just rushed to Michelangelo's side, resting one hand on his son's cheek, and another on his chest, his fingers brushing against the sai. His eyes met Leo's and the look in his Sensei's eyes nearly broke him. Splinter bowed his head and then slowly turned his head in Raph's direction. Leo watched Raph meet his master's gaze and then quickly look away, dropping his head to his knees as he choked out another apology.

After that everything was a blur. Leo's mind brought him back to the last few days. Mikey's pranks, Raph's anger. It had escalated to the point that Raph was spitting death threats…but Leo never dreamed that Raph would actually dare to…to…go through with it. He still didn't believe it. Deep down he knew, he _knew_ that Raph would never... And yet…and yet…the evidence, the incriminating sai sticking out of his little brother's chest told a different story.

_It's your funeral…_

Leo cringed at the memory of the last words he had spoken to Mikey. Spoken without care or concern. He shouldn't have let him go. He should have stepped in as his big brother and leader and forbidden him from going into the dojo to confront Raph in the first place.

He was vaguely aware of Donnie returning with medical supplies and he let Donnie take Mikey from him. He was too numb, too shocked, too stricken with disbelief to register much as his mind still tried to make sense of the unfathomable reality that was unfolding before his eyes.

He heard Raph crying out his meaningless apologies, he watched Donnie and Master Splinter crowd around Mikey, partially blocking him from view. He heard Donnie talking to Splinter as they worked on saving their little brother, but his mind was in a fog and he didn't catch what they were communicating to each other. Only some of his genius brother's words registered, and they were enough to shake him to the core. Words like _collapsed lung, not breathing _and finally _cardiac arrest_.

"Leo!" Donnie called, jolting him from his shell-shocked daze, "Get the door! We need to get him to the lab _NOW_!"

Without hesitation Leo did as he was told, opening the door and stepping aside to let them through. They moved just as quickly and they ran past him, cradling Mikey between them. Leo wanted to follow more than anything, wanting to stay by Mikey's side, but he knew that he needed to stay out of their way and let them work. Instead he stood by the door and turned towards Raph, narrowing his eyes as he was suddenly filled with a feeling he had never felt towards one of his brothers before.

Raph had scrambled to his feet, looking lost and helpless and overwhelmed with guilt and anguish. It was very un-Raphlike, and to see him in such a state was jarring. Under any other circumstances, Leo's instincts would've been to comfort him, but something dark and twisted snapped inside him and Leo was seeing red.

Leo waited by the door for Raph to come to him. He was clearly wanting to be with Mikey just as much as Leo did and as soon as Raph was within arm's reach he lunged and shoved his brother hard, sending him flying back. Raph landed hard on his shell and slid a few feet until he crashed into the wall with a hard thud. Raph grunted upon impact, rubbing the back of his head before looking up at Leo who stalked towards him, his face cold and unforgiving as he reached for his dropped katanas and approached.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Leo spat pointing the tip of one of his katanas at Raph, not to be threatening, but as a warning for Raph to stay back, "What were you thinking?"

Once again Raph made no attempt to get up from the floor or fight back, he just looked up at Leo, tears in his eyes and replied, "I…I wasn't thinking! I was so focused and…and I didn't even know Mikey was standing there until it was too late! I swear."

"You know what? Save it. I don't care," Leo hissed venomously. He was not in the mood for apologies or excuses.

Raph started to get up but Leo thrust his katana in his direction, blocking him.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Mikey…I have to see him!"

A wave of grief washed over Leo and he turned his head in the direction of the lab. _No, Donnie's going to save him…he'll be all right…_ Donnie was a genius, he could do anything. If anyone could save Mikey now, it was him. But…he was an engineer not a doctor. There was a lot he knew, and in the past proved to be qualified and capable of taking care of injuries but even Donnie had his limits and Mikey wasn't breathing…

Leo turned away and swallowed back a sob. He quickly swiped away the moisture building up in his eyes and he took a deep breath. He had to be strong, for Mikey. He needed to believe that Mikey would pull through.

He twirled around to face Raphael, "You stay the hell away from him."

"Please Leo."

Raph's voice was quiet and raw with hurt. His green eyes shone as he pleadingly looked up at him, baring a soul wracked with guilt and grief.

But Leo refused to see it. All he could see in his mind's eye was Mikey as he lay dying, struck down by Raph's hand. He heard the idle death threats Raph had thrown at Mikey the last few days, angered by the pranks their little brother pulled and he remembered how much effort he took such a short while ago to physically stop Raph from beating the crap out of their brother, who was only trying to cheer everyone up in his own way. "Do you know he came in here to try and fix things between you guys?" Leo asked, clenching his swords in a white-knuckled grip, "He said he didn't want to go to bed knowing that you hated him. He went in here to make things right."

He watched Raph process what he said and he trembled as he shook his head, "Oh god…I…I'm so sorry."

"So you keep saying," Leo retorted coldly. "Man, I can't…I can't even stand to look at you right now."

With that Leo turned and walked away, leaving Raph alone to wallow in his guilt.

* * *

A/N So it wasn't exactly the epic confrontation I planned for, but all in all I think it turned out OK.

Please let me know what you think!


	7. Chapter 7

A/N Once again blown away by the kind and awesome reviews! Most of you offered some great insight and I love it! I noticed some of you were a little divided by Leo's reaction, while most said he was in character, some thought he should've been more forgiving. Fair enough, I can't argue, though I want to point out that no one is one hundred percent in character one hundred percent of the time, especially when faced with a crisis. Also, to my wonderful critics (thanks for your honesty, I mean it!) if you thought he was OOC last chapter, you should've seen the first draft that I scrapped! LOL! There was a scene that I thought looked cool, but did go a little too far and definitely teetered on the edge between unsympathetic, over the top and OOC. Also keep in mind, this story is as much about their own personal journeys emotionally after a traumatic event as it is about the event itself.

I can't believe how well received this story has been! Especially considering how I'm still kinda new to the fandom! Thank you to everyone who has read/reviewed/favorited and/or followed this story.

Funny how something that started as a little one shot has evolved, seven chapters and still a ways to go. It's kind of taken a life of its own.I hope y'all will stick with me on this journey!

Anyway, enough babbling! On with the story!

Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

Raph wasn't sure how much time had passed between Leo leaving him alone and when he finally stopped crying. He stopped rather abruptly as though he suddenly had no more tears to shed and in the absence of tears he was left feeling numb.

He sat in the dojo, still in the spot he landed when Leo threw him, his head hung low in guilt and shame.

_What have I done?_

He still couldn't believe what happened, it didn't seem real. It felt like a horrible dream that he had yet to wake from. He had vowed a long time ago that he would always protect his brothers, especially Mikey. Technically, he was only a few days younger than everyone else, but Mikey was in many ways like the kid brother that annoyed the hell out of everyone and got away with everything, but at the end of the day was the one who held everyone together, was the one who could coax a smile out of you no matter how bad of day you were having.

Somehow, despite their identical upbringing as mutant freaks trained as ninja, despite all the trials and hardships they faced, Mikey managed to keep his childlike innocence and spirit, a quality that Raph secretly envied. It evoked his protective nature and he had made a vow to keep him from harm and preserve that innocence as long as he could because to break such a spirit would be unforgivable.

He recalled the time when Mikey was hurt while battling Snakeweed. It happened while Raph was in charge and he put the blame solely on himself because Mikey got hurt following his direct orders. Mikey had been unconscious for hours and Raph had been terrified. While it turned out that Mikey was more or less OK, aside from what turned out to be a nasty concussion, it was the first time Raph had to confront the reality that they weren't indestructible.

While Mikey had been out for the count, Raph had found himself imagining a world without Mikey, and that was a world he never wanted to see. While the thought of losing any of his brothers was terrible, Mikey's childish insanity was what kept everyone grounded, kept everyone sane. He had silently promised then that if anyone or anything wanted to hurt him, they'd have to go through Raph first. He wasn't going to let anything happen to his little brother if he could help it.

_What have I done? I'm supposed to protect Mikey, not…not hurt him!_ He couldn't bear to articulate, even in his own thoughts the one possibility that terrified him more than anything and that was the possibility that he might've killed his brother.

But the thought nagged at him and wouldn't let him go. He couldn't shake the image that seemed to imprint onto the back of his eyelids. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see Mikey, lying lifeless in his arms, not moving, not breathing, Raph's own sai sticking out of his chest, blood dripping from his mouth…

Raph buried his face in his hands and let out an anguished growl and climbed to his feet. He glanced at his discarded sai on the floor from when he dropped it and he briefly imagined himself thrusting his other weapon into his gut and committing seppuku, like the samurais of old, imagining the act would be seen as honorable and redemptive. But he shook that thought from his mind. That would require a balance of both courage and cowardice that he did not have.

_I gotta get out of here_…he decided, running a shaky hand down his face, Leo's words echoing in his mind.

_Man I can't…I can't even stand to look at you right now…_

The reality of what was happening was overwhelming and terrifying. He couldn't bear to face it or his family. So he got up and ran.

_What kind of coward am I?_ he thought bitterly as he made his way to the surface and fled into the night.

0-0-0

April O'Neil awoke suddenly, a strange noise pulling her from her sleep. She had been dreaming about something that troubled her and as her eyes snapped open at the strange sound she tried to reach for her dream and hold onto the memory, but in the blink of an eye it was gone. She sighed, having been left with a sinking feeling that she couldn't put her finger on.

She heard the noise again and she realized someone was tapping on her window. Instantly she tensed and reached for something she could use as a weapon if necessary as the tapping continued but then a familiar face appeared out of the darkness and she relaxed, "Raph?" she queried sleepily, somewhat wary because it wasn't exactly typical for her turtle friends to show up at random in the middle of the night. One look at Raph's expression made it clear that something was wrong.

It was starting to rain out, just a light, barely there, drizzle but the threat of a late night thunderstorm revealed itself in the orange glow of the city lights illuminating the dark rolling clouds encroaching upon the neighborhood. She opened the window, and was met with a chilly breeze and the air smelled of an imminent downpour, "Raph? What's wrong?" she asked, taken aback by the emptiness in his eyes.

"Can I come in?" he asked quietly, his voice steady and flat, void of any emotion.

April hesitated and glanced beyond him, but there was no sign of his brothers, her eyes met his again, "Um, sure. Are you OK?"

Raph didn't answer, but he shook his head as he quietly slipped into her room. He moved to the wall and leaned against it and slid down to the floor as though overcome with exhaustion, resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

"What happened? What's going on?" she asked, shutting the window. His face hidden behind his hands he lowered his head and his body began to tremble. She knelt down beside him and placed her hand on his shoulder and he flinched as she pulled her hand back and exclaimed, "On my gosh, you're freezing!" She looked at the time, it was much later than their usual patrols ended and she got the impression that he was outside for a long time before he decided to come. "Where are the others? Did something happen to them?"

He didn't answer, instead he let out a soft sound of sorrow and she inhaled sharply, suddenly fearing the worst. It was then she noticed blood on his shoulder. There wasn't a lot of blood, and it looked like it had dried a while ago but it helped fill in a small piece of the puzzle Raph's sudden appearance and odd behaviour presented to her. It didn't look like it was his, "Raph? Did something happen? There's blood…"

"I messed up," Raph murmured absently, his voice hoarse, "I messed up bad."

"Raph," April reached for him again, placing her hand on his knee. He flinched at the touch and looked up at her as though he just realized she was there.

"I'm sorry," he shook off her hand and scooted back, "I…I didn't know where else to go."

"It's OK," April said softly, unable to conceal the worry from her voice. They sat in silence for a long moment, Raph sitting with his shell against the wall, and April kneeling in front of him, leaning back on her heels to give him some space. She could feel her heart pounding with worry, a series of worst case scenarios playing in her mind. He wasn't exactly giving her a lot of clues and clearly wasn't quite ready to talk. All she knew was something bad happened, and it had to have been really bad to put Raph in such a lost, broken state. And whatever it was, Raph felt responsible.

Outside there was a flash of lightning followed by a low rumble of thunder five seconds later as the rain started to splatter against her window. Softly at first, but within a few moments it really started to pick up. She watched it for a second and then turned back to Raph who mentally seemed to be somewhere else. "Raph, please," she asked finally, "what happened?"

Raph blinked and looked at her for a second before glancing away as though in shame. He stared at a scuff on her floor like it was the most fascinating thing in the world. Finally he spoke, "I…" he cleared his throat, "I screwed up, April." His lower lip trembled and he drew a deep shuddering breath, resting his head on his folded arms on his knees.

Instinctively she reached to put her arms around him in comfort but he pushed her away, scooting away from her until he was in the corner, "Don't," he begged, "just please…don't…" he shook his head and ran his hands down his face, looking helpless and confused and like he was truly at the end of his rope. He muttered something April couldn't quite catch, his eyes distant and unfocused and she could tell his mind was somewhere else completely.

"That's it," April decided, "I'm calling Donnie…" She started to get up to get her t-phone, in the back of her mind hoping that something horrible didn't happen to him or Leo or Mikey. She didn't get very far because Raph suddenly grasped her by the arm and looked at her pleadingly. The look in his eyes sending a new wave of worry to wash through her.

"Please, don't!" he begged.

"Raph, something bad didn't happen to him, did it?"

"I'm not ready to face them," he whispered brokenly, "just please April, I don't want them to know I'm here. I'm sorry for bothering you, really but I just…need a place to stay…" he glanced at the rain hitting her window, "At least until the storm clears…"

"Of course," April nodded, kneeling back down to face him. "So your brothers, are they OK then?"

Raph shook his head to say that no, they weren't OK, and April was starting to lose her patience. She was trying to respect his need for space and be there for him, but she really didn't know how to deal with Raph when he was like this, mostly because she had never _seen_ him like this, and she was tired of him being so cryptic. The turtles had become her family over the past year or so, and if something happened to them…

"Raph, please talk to me, you're scaring me," she admitted, "I've never seen you like this. What happened?"

Glancing away, April could see his lower lip tremble and his eyes go distant again, "M-Mikey…" he said finally.

"Something happened to him?"

Raph nodded.

"Is he OK?"

"No," he breathed shakily. "He's hurt bad…"

"But…he's going to be OK though, right?" April asked carefully.

Raph shook his head and blinked, one solitary tear fell down his cheek and he roughly wiped his eyes, "I don't know."

April took a moment to let the news sink in, her mind going a mile a minute as she tried to put the pieces together and understand what happened.

"I don't…I don't even know if he's…if he's even still a-_alive_," Raph confessed quietly, his voice breaking as his body began to shake. "Oh god Mikey…I'm so sorry!" he cried.

April felt her own eyes tear up and she reached for him, unable to find the right words to say, "I…I'm sure it's not your fault," she said softly, "you probably did everything you…"

"Don't you get it?" Raph snapped, turning to her and roughly shoving her comforting hand away, "I did it! I was the one who h-hurt him!"

"What?" April gasped in surprise, unable to believe it.

"I didn't mean to but I was…ugh I was so _angry_! With him, with everything! And I…" he slammed his fist onto the floor and banged the back of his head against the wall a couple of times.

Ignoring her better judgement, April leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him. She didn't have all the facts, but she knew Raph. Whatever happened, whatever Raph had done or thought he did, she knew that there had to be more to it. That it had to have been an accident or a mistake. Raph bullied Mikey a lot, but then again Mikey liked to egg him on a lot too, and that was simply because they were brothers. Raph would never have hurt Mikey on purpose and April knew the guilt was consuming him to the point she was scared of what Raph might do. Out of all the turtles, Raph was the most reckless, especially in times of great emotional turmoil, like now.

Raph tried to push her away, but April held him tighter, knowing how badly he needed the comfort. "P-please, let me go, April," he begged brokenly, "I don't deserve…"

"Shhh," she soothed, her eyes welling with tears. She blinked them back, having a difficult time believing that what Raph said was true, hoping it was just some big misunderstanding. That it was one big false alarm and Mikey was OK and Raph was overreacting. Besides, Raph needed her to be strong right now, whether he would ever admit it or not. He resisted her comfort, but he could've easily pushed her away which meant that somewhere deep down, comfort was the very thing he was seeking even as he felt it was undeserved.

April held him for a while, stroking his shell and head in comfort and soon he relented and leaned into her embrace, resting his head on her shoulder. "Oh god, what have I done?" he choked, not quite crying, but coming close to it.

"Shh, it's OK," she murmured gently, "it'll be OK…" she said, needing to believe that was true.

Raph shook his head vehemently, "No, it won't. If you only knew…" he pushed away from her again, looking away from her shamefully, "I…I'm sorry, I…I shouldn't have come here…"

April shook her head, "Don't say that, you're always welcome. I'm glad you came."

Giving a deep weary sigh Raph leaned into the corner wall, closing his eyes in exhaustion, still trembling from emotion and from the cold.

"I don't think the storm is going to calm down any time soon," April said, "stay there, I'm going to get you some blankets so you can get some rest and stay the night. We'll talk in the morning, OK?"

Raph nodded absently and April sighed a breath she didn't realize she was holding.

"I'll be right back."

"Yeah," he nodded, speaking quietly, his voice empty.

Soundlessly April slipped out of her room, careful to not wake her dad. She knew he would have no problem with Raph staying the night, considering everything he and his brothers had done for them, but he needed the rest and with Raph on edge the way he was, she didn't want to complicate things further by bringing her father into it.

She didn't get far when she felt a cool breeze brush against her back and releasing a gasp she twirled around to see the window open and Raph was gone.

"No," she breathed, rushing to the window. She leaned forward and looked around frantically, loudly whispering his name as the cold rain splattered on her face. But as she expected, there was no sign of him. She watched the shadows for a moment, hoping to see him in the bright flashes of lightning with no luck. Finally, she closed her eyes in sadness and reluctantly closed the window.

_Please don't do anything crazy, Raph,_ she begged silently, her eyes still scanning the shadows.

She startled when her t-phone suddenly went off. She turned towards the sound and saw it vibrate on her nightstand and dived for it, noting that it was Leo before she answered, trying to keep her voice steady, "Leo? What's going on, it's the middle of the night…"

"_Sorry to bother you, but have you seen Raph?"_ Leo asked, anger and pain lacing his words.

"No, why?" she lied, taken aback by the tone of his voice and conflicted about choosing to lie in the first place, even though it honored Raph's wishes. "What…what happened?" she tried not to sound so eager that it showed in her voice that she already knew at least part of the story and was anxious to hear the rest. It took all of her willpower not to blurt out what she was thinking. _How's Mikey, is he OK? I saw Raph, he's broken up and I don't know what exactly happened or what he might've done but I'm afraid of what he'll do now..._

She heard Leo give a long, shaky sigh, his voice heavy with grief, _"It's a long story…"_

0-0-0

Meanwhile Raph watched April from the shadows on the rooftop across the street, he waited until she left the window to dare step out of his hiding spot. He ignored the rain pounding against his shell and the deep chill that shuddered through his body and watched her look away and then reach for something on her nightstand.

_The t-phone…_ he realized. He watched her for a moment and saw her slowly sink onto her bed, her hand going to her mouth as though in shock. He ducked away as he saw her jump up and look out her window again, and even through the rain that distorted her image, he could tell she was upset. She stiffened suddenly and turned, rushing out of her room.

_She knows…_he thought, his breath catching in his throat as he wondered what she thought of him now that she knew the whole story. He wrapped his arms around himself in a vain attempt to protect himself from not only the cold, the wind and the rain, but also from the one possibility he feared more than anything right now.

_Mikey…_

_What have I done?_

* * *

A/N I know, I know, clichéd thunderstorm! LOL. It was the storm raging outside my window as I wrote this that inspired me to include it.

Thanks for reading! Love it? Hate it? Please let me know what you think!

One more thing...I said before that I don't like to spoil anything, but I know that for some people, a deathfic is a deal breaker and I respect that. I should've thought of this sooner but since Mikey's fate is still unknown, if you want to be spoiled in that regard, just let me know via a PM or review and I'll get back to you ASAP so I can either give you a peace of mind, or save you from reading any further. But for those who are like me and don't want to be spoiled well...you'll just have to wait, won't you! :-P

Until next time my dearest readers!


	8. Chapter 8

A/N So sorry for taking so long! Real life has been nothing but busy, busy, busy with a side order of stress, stress and more stress! Finding time and energy to write anything has been such a challenge and this chapter has been ridiculously more difficult to write than I anticipated! I do hope the wait was worth it and that I'll be able to update the next chapter soon.

Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers! You guys are so awesome! I _still_ cannot believe the amazing response this has gotten. I am so shocked to even reach the 100 review mark and yet as I write this I'm at 114! Special shout out to 'guest' who has been nudging me all along the way during my little unexpected hiatus, I don't know if you're one person or more, but anyway, thank you. I'm still here, still writing! I'm sorry if I haven't replied to you guys personally, I honestly don't remember if I did or not, it's not one of my strong points, I sometimes even forget to reply to texts I can be such a scatterbrain sometimes, but each and every one of your comments mean so much to me! I also want to thank everyone who has this on their favorites/alerts, even if you don't leave a comment, it's still nice to know that you like this!

Anyway, without further ado, enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Eight**

_This is taking too long…_

Leo had taken to pacing. He didn't know what else to do. He was forbidden from entering the lab, where Donnie and Splinter worked fervently to save Mikey's life. Leo understood that he would only get in the way, but that didn't make it any easier for him.

At first he stood outside the door to the lab, like a sentry alert and ready to protect those inside and yet still in shock, lost somewhere between grief and rage. The thought of losing one of his brothers was more than he could bear and one of his deepest fears. No matter how much he tried to assure himself that Mikey would make it, that Donnie and Splinter would be able to save him, he just couldn't shake the grief that had befallen him. The sense of loss dug deep and when he sensed Raph quietly leaving the lair, that feeling only took root, settling deep into his core and it was as though he had lost not one but two brothers tonight.

But that wasn't true, because Donnie and Splinter were still working on Mikey, which meant they hadn't lost him…_Yet,_ he thought morbidly… but no matter what the outcome, even if…_No, not if, when…_ Mikey pulled through, it wouldn't change the fact that something had been irrevocably broken, a profound loss that Leo couldn't articulate even in his own thoughts.

Raph…what could've possessed Raph to go so far as to do such a thing? He said it was an accident, and Leo had no reason to believe otherwise because he knew Raph, he knew that Raph would die to protect Mikey. But for some reason, knowing that meant nothing and changed nothing about how furious he was with his brother. Logic fell by the wayside to make room for his emotions to run rampant and Leo couldn't see how he could ever forgive Raph for what he had done. Accident or not, it shouldn't have happened, Raph was a trained ninja, he should've been able to control himself. Besides, there was the temper and the threats and all that came before the incident to consider. Maybe he didn't know his brother as well as he thought he did…

It was when that thought came to him, that horrible unforgiving thought that he started to resume his earlier practice of his katas. It always managed to clear his head and help him calm down or find clarity. But he was so angry and hurt that he couldn't hold his form properly. He always tried to maintain proper form, and always tried to hit his target with perfect precision, so when his practice dummy started to don new slash marks from his katanas an inch or two off from his target, he let out a sound caught somewhere between a growl and a sob and knocked the practice dummy over and started to pace, only stopping at one point after suddenly being overwhelmed with the need to confront Raph. When he realized he had no idea where his brother went and was unable to get a hold of him, he had called April.

She hadn't heard from Raph, which was probably for the best. Leo honestly had no idea how he would've reacted if he saw him, and the rational part of his mind that wasn't muted by all his wayward emotions knew that he would've probably done something he would've regretted.

Donnie was taking too long.

He knew that Donnie had a huge challenge ahead of him, and realized that it would take a while, but with every minute that went by, he grew more and more anxious. The last time he saw Mikey, he wasn't breathing. Donnie mentioned a collapsed lung, cardiac arrest… What if Donnie couldn't save him? What would they do without him? How could he ever even look Raph in the eye if…if Mikey…

Leo's breath hitched and he wrapped his arms around himself. He wished he knew what was going on, there were so many questions, so many things he needed to know…

"Leo?"

April's soft voice stopped him in his tracks and he looked up to see her standing by the entrance, her eyes red and filled with concern. Her auburn hair clung wetly to her neck as she shook the rainwater off her yellow raincoat and shivered.

"Hey April," he greeted, surprised by how flat and empty his voice was.

"How is he?" she asked, approaching him apprehensively, "Is he…?"

"I don't know," Leo replied, "Donnie and Splinter are still working… I haven't heard anything yet…I wish I knew…"

"Well," she said weakly, "no news is good news right? If they're still working on him then…"

"He's still alive," Leo finished softly, his lower lip trembling as it once again for the umpteenth time struck him how serious the situation was. He might still be alive, but that could change in a heartbeat.

_Don't come crying to me when Raph decides to beat the snot outta ya…It's your funeral…_

Leo squeezed his eyes shut in guilt and shame and he clenched his fists, anger boiling inside. He should've done more to stop Mikey. He should've known… Raph's temper was out of control, _Raph_ was out of control...Leo should've known…he should've stopped Mikey…shouldn't have spoken so callously to him as though he didn't care…

_What if those are the last words I'll ever get to say to him?_

He felt April's hand comfortingly rest on his shoulder and he flinched slightly before taking a deep but shaky breath, "Thanks for coming. I know it's late…" He pulled away absently and grabbed a blanket that was draped on the couch and handed to her.

"You guys are family," April reminded him, taking her coat off and accepting the blanket gratefully, draping it over her shoulders for warmth.

Leo gave her a wan smile, "So are you. Anyway…I figured you should know…"

April replied with a comforting hug which Leo returned gratefully. They stood there a moment, feeding off each other's comfort as much as they freely offered it before breaking away. "Did you hear from Raph?" April asked carefully after a long silence.

Leo's face hardened and he turned away, his head turning towards the dojo, the nights events replaying in his head. Everything from Mikey's pranks and how much his childish little brother frustrated him, to Mikey confessing during patrol that he was only trying to make everyone happy and only trying to help fix things as they were slowly drifting apart. His eyes fixed on the spot where he and Donnie had to physically hold Raphael back when Mikey's last prank went too far, how Leo was so tired of always having to play the peacekeeper and leader, so much that he didn't care anymore.

_Don't come crying to me…_

_It's your funeral…_

Then he remembered the death threats Raph had spat Mikey's way in his fury, he remembered rushing into the dojo and the horrific sight that met him…

"No," he replied darkly.

April spared him a sharp glance, taken aback by his tone before tightly wrapping herself in the blanket and moving away from him to sit on the couch. She stared ahead in disbelief, "I can't believe that Raph…that this happened."

"Me neither," Leo replied coldly as he resumed his pacing, trying to shake off the tension that permeated the air and settled deep in his bones.

Silence fell over the room once again, which did nothing to ease the tension as Leo paced and April stared ahead, deep in thought.

"He must be feeling so guilty," she murmured sympathetically, breaking the silence. Leo stopped in his tracks and sent an appalled glare her way and April shifted uncomfortably under his gaze, taken aback by the fury in his eyes. "Well it…you know it had to have been an accident. I can only imagine how hard it…"

She was interrupted when Leo barked out a skeptical and bitter laugh.

"Leo!" she gasped in shock, though to be honest his outburst surprised Leo as well, "you can't honestly think that Raph would hurt him on purpose!"

"You weren't there April," Leo hissed.

"So? I know you guys well enough to know that you would die for each other, so for something like this to happen, there's no way it wasn't an accident!" April exclaimed.

"I can't believe you're taking his side…"

"Taking his _side_?" April gaped incredulously, "I get that you're angry, but come on Leo! How would you feel if you were in his position?"

Leo scoffed and resumed his pacing, stomping back and forth angrily, "That would be impossible because there's no way I would ever let myself lose control like he did! I don't know where Raph ran off to, but if he knows what's best for him, he'd better stay the hell away!"

"You don't mean that…" April said dismissively.

"The hell I don't!"

"He's your brother…"

"Mikey's my brother too," Leo hissed, "what about him?"

April shook her head, wiping away at the tears that were building in her eyes and sighed, raising a hand in surrender, "You're right. Look, maybe now isn't the time to talk about this. You're not thinking clearly right now, you're scared, worried and angry and I get that, maybe we should drop it for now. Right now let's focus on Mikey…"

Leo let out a defeated sigh, he sat down next to her and buried his face in his hands. April wrapped her arm around him, sharing the blanket with him, "I'm sorry," he whispered, unable to figure out what came over him. He was always the one who was able to put his emotions aside and take charge in a time of crisis, it was one of those traits that helped him be a better leader, but this was so much different from anything they had ever faced. Mikey wasn't attacked by one of their many enemies, his assailant was his own brother…how was Leo supposed to deal with that? He never felt so…helpless and out of control.

"It's OK," April soothed, "there's nothing to be sorry for."

"What if he doesn't make it?" Leo all but whimpered.

April gave him a comforting squeeze, "I don't know," she replied, her voice breaking slightly.

0-0-0

Meanwhile Raph shivered, finding shelter from the storm in an abandoned apartment building slated for demolition. It was heavily boarded up on the ground levels, but the top floor wasn't, though it was impossible to access without the proper equipment...unless you were a ninja which of course meant it was no trouble for him. But it also meant it was very unlikely that he would encounter anyone up there.

The room was empty, so there was nothing he could really use to get dry and warm, and he needed to stay close to the walls because the floors were very unsteady, creaking and sinking with every step. In the faint light of the streetlamps outside he could see the floor of the room he was in was sagging dangerously on one side, and there was a large hole in the floor where it had collapsed completely in the opposite corner from where he was, and he knew immediately why the building was to be torn down. But it wouldn't be torn down just yet, and despite the dilapidated state of the apartment, the corner he sat in seemed sturdy enough, so until the storm cleared at the very least, Raph decided the condemned little building was a perfect place to call home for the night.

He huddled in the corner, still wet from the rain, and held himself for warmth. He leaned his head against the mouldy wall and closed his eyes and released an unexpected whimper. "Mikey…" he choked out, his little brother's name both an apology and a prayer. He couldn't shake the memory of what he had done from his mind. A part of him still couldn't believe that what happened was even real, and everything that made him angry in the first place, every little thing seemed so insignificant, so trivial and pointless.

Raph thought about going home, but that would mean facing his family and confronting his actions. He just couldn't bring himself to do it, not yet. He was afraid to. It was a kind of fear he never truly felt before, and he didn't know how to cope with it. He was afraid to face his family and seeing the pain the anger and disappointment in their eyes, though oddly enough, he did not fear his family's wrath. He deserved whatever punishment they wanted to dish out, and even then, it wouldn't be enough. But the one thing that terrified the most about going home was what he would find when he got there. He was afraid that he would come home to learn that Mikey was dead, that he had killed him all because he couldn't control his stupid temper.

A deep chill shuddered through his body and he shivered, his eyes growing heavy and he closed his eyes and drifted into a restless sleep. As he drifted he hoped that when he woke up, he would learn that it had all been just a bad dream.

* * *

A/N As always, thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think!

Next chapter will feature poor Donnie who has been rather neglected the last few chapters. It's so hard to write him when he knows so much more than I do if that makes any sense! I tried to fit him in this one (as well as news on poor Mikey's fate) but I didn't think it flowed very well so...yeah...next chapter. Promise.


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